No way could my love for her have been predicted. I wasn’t looking for love in the first place. Hanging out on a long-term basis was more the idea. Besides, she was just okay and already starting to get up there in age. It’s not that deep down I wanted a prize. “Older” and well-preserved was fine for me. But if you looked closely, her issues were major and trading them in for minor ones started to look appealing.
Even in her younger years she wasn’t a stand-out. McKinley never garnered much attention, ever. That was okay for me. She had a lot to offer regardless of not being a looker. Say, for instance, her roots. She was planted on the right side of the tracks. She was in a good neighborhood, a good school district. She was a good investment.
McKinley needed work from the gitgo though. A nip and tuck here and there to say the least. A project wasn’t what I had in mind when we first bought her. But I was willing to take her on. We didn't have a lot of money to throw around in the beginning. It was a turtle-crawl to upgrade things.
McKinley had plenty of rough edges to smooth out and still does. Nevertheless, I moved into her with plans to leave when things got boring, maybe a year or so. Thirty-two years later, two grown children, one grandchild and we’re still together. I love her desperately but am feeling stagnant.
She looks pretty good these days, still not a stand-out though. As much as I’d like to stick around and watch her age gracefully, along with myself…to the end, I’m kinda bored.
Nobody told me the longer we dragged dwelling together out the harder breaking apart would be.
Good news: we’re not married. But you’d never know it. I’m committed to McKinley as though we shared vows. Even still, breaking up is horridly hard to do.
Admittedly, I yearn for a younger prospect. A fresh start. A do-over of sorts.
She’s not getting any younger and neither am I. The time has come to move on and let someone love her the way she deserves to be loved.
Do I sound like I’m trying to convince myself of something?
Bingo.
I’ve thought about it for a long time so don’t judge me too harshly on this one:
If I can’t have her, nobody can have her.
I’m going to kill her.
At least that’s what I thought before I came to my senses.
I really was going to kill her. Tear her down to the ground. We have architectural plans to prove it.
I simply couldn’t bear thinking about someone else enjoying her confident bones, secure aura, and established presence…someone else loving her, enjoying her attributes.
I had to kill her!
I was going to bury her bones and build a new structure right on top of her ashes.
Suddenly, I realized how selfish and weak killing her would be. What a selfish loser that would make me. The one who “loved her so much”.
And what if I regretted it? There’d be no turning back. She’d be gone.
I’m not going to kill McKinley after all.
I’m going to set her free and pray someone comes along to enjoy her awesomeness.
Fear is a softball word. Petrified was more like it! I was (am?) bored to live with McKinley and petrified to live without her.
A hunt for a new domain of love has begun. Psst, there’s an app for that.
Please pray.
Thank you for reading!
Love, Shelley